Friday, July 3, 2015

Bring The Music Back

I know it has been a very long time since I've posted on my blog.  I think time has had a lot to do with it but today I'm feeling very reflective.  I'm afraid that in an effort of building a new life I have lost a part of myself.  I found myself listening to a new talent on you tube and it brought tears to my eyes.  I have somehow in this chaos of my life I lost the one thing that made me ME! I lost my voice.  I lost the ability to feel.  There was a time that the only thing I could think about was singing.  How I could get my next fix. lol.  Singing gave me such an exhilarating high.  I would open my mouth and the feeling of release was everything.  I'm not sure how to describe it.  I can't put into words what it did for me and all of my emotions.  I have always had a flare for the dramatic but with age it has subsided so very much.  Today I find it raring its ugly head.  Is it a bad thing though? My life slowing down enough to deal with some of the unpleasantness of my life?  Maybe not.  I have been through so very much pain and change in the last seven or eight years.  I've lost count. Autism. Divorce. Bankruptcy. Infidelity. Sociopath. Forgiveness. Through all of this I've tried to remain true to myself. Owning up to the mistakes I've made and trying to help those around me.  Giving back so maybe others wouldn't make the same mistakes.  I've tried to come out the other side unchanged but my life has completely changed me. God brought me to my knees two years ago.  He brought me to a place where all I could do is look up.  I really learned how to stand on my own. There are a lot of aspects that have greatly improved.  My ability to surround myself with genuine people.  Loving people.  It was just brought to my attention a couple of weeks ago that it seems as though I'm punishing myself by not singing.  Are they right? Maybe half right.  What most people don't understand is that when I open my mouth to sing.....the only thing that comes out is PAIN!  Pain that is almost unbearable. Like a knife in my heart! As I sit at my computer writing this the tears flow uncontrollably.  I want to give my son the gift of music but I don't know how to anymore.  The one gift that God gave me and I don't know how to use it anymore. How has this happened?  Couldn't music be the one thing that changes Ty's life as it has mine?  Why does it have to hurt so much?  I find myself wanting my son to know who his mother was not just who she is now.  Why does becoming a grown up mean losing parts of yourself?  I do have so many questions that I don't have the answers to.  All I know is that it is time for me to be transparent.  I've learned showing vulnerability is showing strength.  I suppose its time to bring my piano back in the house.  Dust off what was and bring it to the surface.  Walk where its not quite so comfortable to walk.  Start a journey to bringing the music back.  I can do this.